Sean has been gone for 4 months now I know we had fought but it did not feel like the end, he had been so worried. his eyes had screamed the concern, but I had commitments, I mean i am a social worker I cannot just leave all those children just because he wanted to go on holiday! at first I thought he left without me and would be back we were never really the couple who HAD to do things together, but now I am starting to think he really left for good this time. Before I have the chance to process that thought the phone rings, it is a small mercy Until I check the caller info.
Hi Mum I say trying to soak up all the emoition that had started to ebb out from the realization that Sean may never come back. how have you been? I slowly tune out the rest, my mother and I have always had a strained relationship if I listen to closely I may realize she is insulting me.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
chapter 01
I think it might be a Monday, I irony of what that used to mean makes me smile though the pain. A bad case of that Mondays, that's what I have. I push my bare back agenst the wall. The tacky feeling of my blood on the jagged concrete as I shift my position once would have driven me mad, now it's only a vague afterthought. the pain, the pain will keep me alive, alert, well at least awake.
I can feel the spike now, like a snake swimming in my head. they say the worst part about being exposed to a spike it that you know it, sometimes. Sometimes the insanity is so clear so tangible, that you sit in your little corner of your brain and scream at yourself to stop whatever it is your doing. the more you scream the more control you can get, but it is a cruel joke that the virus plays. the spike clears it's recent history and with it your memory and you can't remember the past week. and once again you can no longer tell what is real and what is paranoia, what is truth, and what are lies, you have to sort out all over again, if you even care to. You can only wake up alone with no idea how you got there so many times, before you just stop caring and let the insanity take you.
more to come...recommendations plz
I can feel the spike now, like a snake swimming in my head. they say the worst part about being exposed to a spike it that you know it, sometimes. Sometimes the insanity is so clear so tangible, that you sit in your little corner of your brain and scream at yourself to stop whatever it is your doing. the more you scream the more control you can get, but it is a cruel joke that the virus plays. the spike clears it's recent history and with it your memory and you can't remember the past week. and once again you can no longer tell what is real and what is paranoia, what is truth, and what are lies, you have to sort out all over again, if you even care to. You can only wake up alone with no idea how you got there so many times, before you just stop caring and let the insanity take you.
more to come...recommendations plz
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
business is politics Prologue draft one
No one sees the storm that's coming, but I can, I have been feeling it in my bones since I can remember, born in the wrong time, things were already starting to fail, the last war had started it, not that fake one where we used our solders as lab rats, the one before that, the ones our parents, and our grand parents fought so hard to stop. That was the taste of freedom that set the monsters free. Now we have slowly giving away everything that matters, all so we can be safe and warm, comfortable in our shit jobs, (if you even have one) no one questions why. why were things so equal and better before, why are all those American people in prison over something that was legal and considered medicine until our leader discovered it could also save the world? why is the Debt our country owes the largest it has ever been even though our all of the cooperation's are making record profits? why is food one of our biggest revenues when everyone is starving. well if you haven't found out by now, you had better start paying attention, because there is a storm brewing, the evidence is everywhere. Just as long as you not looking anywhere your told to, you are more likely to find it on your web box, television after all is owned and controlled by the monsters, so if you want some Pure Info they are not the ones to go to.
I sit in front of my computer it's pale glow the closest thing to sunlight I have seen in months,but in a way, it means more to me then sunlight ever did, Jenc and Annie are talking about the Progressives again, I can see how badly Jenk wants Them to be as Ignorant as he says they are, but my mind can't help but wonder, Are they? Do they really have no idea that what they're doing is signing a death sentence to the people who rely on them, slowly choking them until they will be happy working for Golden burger, instead of any position that requires any form of education after grade 10? for I second I worry that I have had an info spike, sort of like a virus except it travels though media, people say they are meant to make people who want the truth go insane so that no one will believe them, but then that sounds insane. down here it must be the filth that is getting to me, but under this building I have net access. at least I am safe here, the programmer I hired to keep my info stash safe cost a mint, but now I have everything. all the information everyone needs to understand, and even to fight back, is on this little chip, all I have to do is upload it........
I sit in front of my computer it's pale glow the closest thing to sunlight I have seen in months,but in a way, it means more to me then sunlight ever did, Jenc and Annie are talking about the Progressives again, I can see how badly Jenk wants Them to be as Ignorant as he says they are, but my mind can't help but wonder, Are they? Do they really have no idea that what they're doing is signing a death sentence to the people who rely on them, slowly choking them until they will be happy working for Golden burger, instead of any position that requires any form of education after grade 10? for I second I worry that I have had an info spike, sort of like a virus except it travels though media, people say they are meant to make people who want the truth go insane so that no one will believe them, but then that sounds insane. down here it must be the filth that is getting to me, but under this building I have net access. at least I am safe here, the programmer I hired to keep my info stash safe cost a mint, but now I have everything. all the information everyone needs to understand, and even to fight back, is on this little chip, all I have to do is upload it........
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
draft 1
OK so I took a few days so I could process my feelings, sorry if it took awhile to get back to you.
Mom,
you admitted to saying those words, you phrased it different then how I remember hearing it, but either way the frist thing out of your mouth was about my smell, not that I drove 4 hours, not that I made it to your show, not even that you were happy to see me, not even to ask how the show was, I remember what I heard, and you remember what you said, but the effect is the same, my feelings were hurt, and yes people heard you, uncle johnny had to talk me though it once we left.
you have excellent social skills but you have made a habit of treating me like I am still an exception to that rule and that has continued to hurt me for quite some time now, I really don't know what to do anymore, it seems like as long as I bring someone with me, like Colin your fine, but when I am alone you change, and I don't like it. I don't even think you are aware of how much you change sometimes. I love you mom, but you know I am sensitive, and I just wish you would take that into consideration, instead of using it as an excuse every time you hurt my feelings.
over the phone the other night I wanted an apology, I still do, and it was clear you were not ready to give that, all my life you and Mrs Simmons have told me that "it is not about who is right it is about what is right," and I feel like you ignore that whenever someone comes to you with a complaint, all my life I have had to take the piss if you and I were to have a good relationship, it did not matter if I thought I was right, I just got tired of fighting, or worse the fight was never resolved just ignored over my desire to end confrontation, and I can't do that anymore, I want a good working relationship with you, one that is based on trust, and love, and I don't feel like I have that with you, and I don't want the relationship that I have with grandma to become the relationship I have with you, but it is starting to feel that way.
I know we love each other enough, that has always been clear to me, but I am not a child anymore, and I need you to start treating me with at least common courtesy.
I love you mom and you mean the world to me so we need to fix this
-Jessica
Mom,
you admitted to saying those words, you phrased it different then how I remember hearing it, but either way the frist thing out of your mouth was about my smell, not that I drove 4 hours, not that I made it to your show, not even that you were happy to see me, not even to ask how the show was, I remember what I heard, and you remember what you said, but the effect is the same, my feelings were hurt, and yes people heard you, uncle johnny had to talk me though it once we left.
you have excellent social skills but you have made a habit of treating me like I am still an exception to that rule and that has continued to hurt me for quite some time now, I really don't know what to do anymore, it seems like as long as I bring someone with me, like Colin your fine, but when I am alone you change, and I don't like it. I don't even think you are aware of how much you change sometimes. I love you mom, but you know I am sensitive, and I just wish you would take that into consideration, instead of using it as an excuse every time you hurt my feelings.
over the phone the other night I wanted an apology, I still do, and it was clear you were not ready to give that, all my life you and Mrs Simmons have told me that "it is not about who is right it is about what is right," and I feel like you ignore that whenever someone comes to you with a complaint, all my life I have had to take the piss if you and I were to have a good relationship, it did not matter if I thought I was right, I just got tired of fighting, or worse the fight was never resolved just ignored over my desire to end confrontation, and I can't do that anymore, I want a good working relationship with you, one that is based on trust, and love, and I don't feel like I have that with you, and I don't want the relationship that I have with grandma to become the relationship I have with you, but it is starting to feel that way.
I know we love each other enough, that has always been clear to me, but I am not a child anymore, and I need you to start treating me with at least common courtesy.
I love you mom and you mean the world to me so we need to fix this
-Jessica
mothers suck
my family problem go a lot deeper then just this past week, my mother raised me and my sister with the glowing double standards that come with one being a star child that wants to be you when they grow up, and the other being A visual replica of you but with none of your qualities, and horrible dyslexia and social anxiety. Needless to say, I am the "dunce" of my family. my father is only loyal to his girlfriend TINA SNOW. so once my mother left him, when we went to visit him either TINA would leave, and I would be left trying to get my dad to eat while he was in bed. or we were carted off to my grandmothers so my dad could work so he could get TINA back. I was taking care of him, crossing the highway to get Raman, or bread and peanut butter. from he gas station. but that was all we could afford at daddy's (this was when I was at the ripe old age of 5,) once I was making soup and I dropped the boiling pot on my arm, I screamed and screamed, but my daddy never came.
my mother and grandmother were the worst.
my grandmother used to beat me for not being potty trained at 10 months, she locked my sister in the cupboard for going outside she she told us to, she has locked me in her attic once, and sent both my sister and I to her bridge partners attic. once I went back downstairs and told her I wanted to go outside, later that night she told my father I had screamed at her and her friends.years later, called me a slut for showing my calves around town. she has begun loving my sister because she "did something with her life."
Every time my mother does something that hurts my feelings she apologises about something completely arbitrary, then tells you you mis remembered when you tell her why your upset, and the "this is what I really said"s come flooding.
when she moved me to the city she told me with her new career I could get a horse, I was 8 so I believed her.
one of the nicest things my sister has ever done for me was to tell me mom did the same thing to her too.
my mother also told me that my sister and I would be able to veto men in her life, and while that was a lie, it was one I understand, but every time soemthing does not go her way, she either changes her opinion, or she basically ret-cons the whole conversation so she wins.
I feel like she cares more about who is right then whats right, and Last week she really hurt my feelings.
after spending my evening and morning getting yelled at by my grandmother for my fathers birthday., I went to go surprise my mother by getting to go see her play, when I tried to surprise her she said, I know who it is, I can tell by the stench of your cigarettes, my cousin was watching, my aunt and uncle were there, my kindergarten teacher was there, everyone from my home town. no one else said anything, then she turned around and greeted more people, now I understand her being pressed for time, she just did a show and she has to greet her audience, but to have that be the first thing out of her mouth, and then turn around with out even a"how did you like it" or "I am glad you got to see it" really hurt, and I wish she would own up to that. she called to apologize about ignoring me for the entire time I had to see her, and I told her that I understood that, but what I had been upset about was what she said. she what does she do? never happened, that time I spent crying in the corner, nope never happened, because what she "really" said was, "I can tell by the smell of your cigarettes, I don't care how she said it, it hurt my feelings and I want an apology,I drove 4 hours for her to comment on my stench and greet people while I stood in the corner
my mother and grandmother were the worst.
my grandmother used to beat me for not being potty trained at 10 months, she locked my sister in the cupboard for going outside she she told us to, she has locked me in her attic once, and sent both my sister and I to her bridge partners attic. once I went back downstairs and told her I wanted to go outside, later that night she told my father I had screamed at her and her friends.years later, called me a slut for showing my calves around town. she has begun loving my sister because she "did something with her life."
Every time my mother does something that hurts my feelings she apologises about something completely arbitrary, then tells you you mis remembered when you tell her why your upset, and the "this is what I really said"s come flooding.
when she moved me to the city she told me with her new career I could get a horse, I was 8 so I believed her.
one of the nicest things my sister has ever done for me was to tell me mom did the same thing to her too.
my mother also told me that my sister and I would be able to veto men in her life, and while that was a lie, it was one I understand, but every time soemthing does not go her way, she either changes her opinion, or she basically ret-cons the whole conversation so she wins.
I feel like she cares more about who is right then whats right, and Last week she really hurt my feelings.
after spending my evening and morning getting yelled at by my grandmother for my fathers birthday., I went to go surprise my mother by getting to go see her play, when I tried to surprise her she said, I know who it is, I can tell by the stench of your cigarettes, my cousin was watching, my aunt and uncle were there, my kindergarten teacher was there, everyone from my home town. no one else said anything, then she turned around and greeted more people, now I understand her being pressed for time, she just did a show and she has to greet her audience, but to have that be the first thing out of her mouth, and then turn around with out even a"how did you like it" or "I am glad you got to see it" really hurt, and I wish she would own up to that. she called to apologize about ignoring me for the entire time I had to see her, and I told her that I understood that, but what I had been upset about was what she said. she what does she do? never happened, that time I spent crying in the corner, nope never happened, because what she "really" said was, "I can tell by the smell of your cigarettes, I don't care how she said it, it hurt my feelings and I want an apology,I drove 4 hours for her to comment on my stench and greet people while I stood in the corner
Jez resolved
so I finally got to go talk with Jez after I went to go see my parents, we talked things out and both agreed on a lot of things, it will take a lot to make me respect her Dom again, but that's how it goes
Friday, February 18, 2011
because If I send this all will blow up in my face
you do realize the longer you go without talking about this with me me the worse this will get, I have serious issues with your Dom getting to dictate what you do with me, remember I am kinda your Dom too, if he wanted something he should have come to me, if he took me seriously he would have. I have a bigger problem with you being not only ok with him doing it, but also being OK with closeting our relationship for personal gain and enforcing the hypocrisy in this scene. is this really what you want? I thought I meant more to you, I thought my intense hatred of drama you make you want to spare me more of it, If you had changed it to mentor instead of play partner, or even been willing to talk about it, but you did not, and you haven't, I hope you realize all I can do is wonder why....
grace periods suck
Alright Jez still has not called me, I know she has seen the message I sent her (asking to talk about the situation) but it seems to be going unanswered, I have to say if she is trying to make me break up with her she is doing a good job, guess I will just have to go play Minecraft, then I wont care about anything......except creepers,
Thursday, February 17, 2011
relationship under construction
so my submissive sent me a message last night saying that her Dom "instructed her" to change our public relationship to "play partners" and that she agrees, because she needs to portray a more dominant dominate role in the kink community, and the hard truth I have to face is this:
in the greater kink community if you really want to be a "successful Dom" you cannot advertise your submissive side. the community is closed minded, and (hypocritically) oppressive, if her Dom had come to me first, or even if I had had a say in this, fuck, if she had changed my status to "mentor" I would not be so angry......
the hard truth she has to face:
I do not associate with those close minded ass hats for a reason and if all I mean to her is "a play partner" then I wont play, I thought I meant more to her then that, she has been dropping the L-word for the last few months, and I reciprocated for the first time only last week, we entered into this relationship with the knowledge that I have a really hard time committing myself to women because I have a bad track record with dating crazy bitches with tendencies ranging from cheating to stalking to attempted murder, and the first indication that I actually feel anything for her and I get demoted? by the guy she started seeing after me? At my encouragement? I have not negotiated with this man, he has not had my consent to dictate the relationship between her and I, if he really wants to make this a pissing match, that's fine, but I do not intend to roll over, just because he says so, and if they both really expect me to play this game, then I will just have to admit defeat and move on, I guess I just have bad luck with petty women
in the greater kink community if you really want to be a "successful Dom" you cannot advertise your submissive side. the community is closed minded, and (hypocritically) oppressive, if her Dom had come to me first, or even if I had had a say in this, fuck, if she had changed my status to "mentor" I would not be so angry......
the hard truth she has to face:
I do not associate with those close minded ass hats for a reason and if all I mean to her is "a play partner" then I wont play, I thought I meant more to her then that, she has been dropping the L-word for the last few months, and I reciprocated for the first time only last week, we entered into this relationship with the knowledge that I have a really hard time committing myself to women because I have a bad track record with dating crazy bitches with tendencies ranging from cheating to stalking to attempted murder, and the first indication that I actually feel anything for her and I get demoted? by the guy she started seeing after me? At my encouragement? I have not negotiated with this man, he has not had my consent to dictate the relationship between her and I, if he really wants to make this a pissing match, that's fine, but I do not intend to roll over, just because he says so, and if they both really expect me to play this game, then I will just have to admit defeat and move on, I guess I just have bad luck with petty women
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
moving on
today is the anniversary of finding out the death of my lover bear, I have cried and burned for this enough, and now I must move forward, however that may be.
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